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Having a crush on someone is both an enjoyable experience and a demoralising experience.
One the one hand, you enjoy their good looks and charm. On the other, you know all it will ever be is just a crush.
That’s if we look at the word “crush” in its real definition.
(It’s not a feeling that’s returned by the person you’re crushing on, usually. Crushes are mostly unilateral).
They’re also usually a projection or a fantasy of what you think someone is.
Due to the unrequited attraction, having a crush can be painful- but it’s also a wake up call.
Why a wake up call? Well, let’s take a good look at why now, as well as how to get over a crush in 11 guaranteed ways.
What Does It Mean to Have A Crush On Someone?
To answer why having a crush on someone is a wake up call, we have to define what the word crush means.
What Having A Crush Means
The Cambridge Dictionary defines having a crush on someone as:
“A strong but temporary feeling of liking someone.”
And google defines it as:
“A brief but intense infatuation for someone, especially someone unattainable.“
Both of these definitions point to the reality that a crush is not love, it’s merely infatuation. It’s idealising someone.
And idealising someone is problematic, because every single human being is, well, – a human being.
No matter how hot someone is, they have drawbacks. They have habits that you may not enjoy.
They may even turn out to have character traits that you will despise if you actually get to know them.
So why is having a crush on someone a wake up call?
Because it’s a chance for you to learn a valuable lesson. The lesson is that there’s a good chance your crush is based on your own idea of who someone is.
Crushes are not based on who someone really is. They’re based on what that person represents to you, and the external image that that person shows to the world.
See, often you don’t really know your crush.
You may not even trust them.
You haven’t really invested in them (and neither have they invested in you).
Unless you’re already friends and you’re actually in love with them, they’re just someone who seems high value and/or genetically gifted.
Basically, crushes aren’t based on real life. They’re based on fantasy stories you enjoy making up in your mind.
Real love and real life is a lot more raw, real, and soul-opening than your infatuation can convince you to believe.
And just to be clear, we should also define infatuation.
“Infatuation is an intense but short lived passion or admiration for someone.”
Hence, an infatuation for someone holds no more value for you (or them) than a crush does. It’s all just fantasy and projection.
Projection of our own wants and needs (from that person).
This doesn’t make your crush any less real.
This doesn’t make your desire for them any less intense.
It just means it will pass.
But before we dismiss your crush entirely, let’s focus on the real reasons you have a crush (which is not really discussed by people anywhere.)
We are doing this because understanding the reason why you have a crush on someone is key for how to get over a crush.
Why Do You Get A Crush On Someone?
There are positive and negative reasons why you start to get a crush on someone:
- They present with superior or desirable genetics, and you want to combine your own genetics with their to add genetic value to the human race.
- You are relatively young and this is your way of ‘practicing’ the feelings and mechanism of falling in love with someone (to be ready for the real thing). Studies confirm this theory as well, pointing to the fact that people report having crushes often before they enter their first romantic relationship. This doesn’t mean crushes are exclusive to adolescents, as lots of adults have crushes too.
- Your crush is manipulating you into having a (toxic) crush on them (think hot and cold behavior, or the manipulative push and pull behavior that players like to engage in).
- That person’s behavior plays to your childhood trauma or daddy issues.
- They’re high value in one way or another.
As you can see, there are a few reasons why you would get a crush.
Having a crush is normal, but it’s also true that if you leave it unchecked, it may take a lot of extra work to come back down to earth and connect with reality.
So the first step in getting over a crush is to figure out the reason for your crush. have a look at my list of reasons why you’re crushing on someone and see which one(s) apply to you.
You will have more clarity and direction from there.
How to Get Over A Crush
At the end of the day, your crush is just another human being. They may represent something special to you, but you’re still left here with unrequited feelings for them.
Not only is that stripping away your energy, it could also be affecting your chances of falling in love and having a healthy relationship with someone just as high value as your crush.
Now we’ll talk about ways to get over a crush.
Since I write mainly to women, I’ll concentrate on how to stop crushing on a guy, but these steps aren’t really gender/sex dependent.
You can use them to get over your crush regardless of whether they are a she or a he.
How to Stop Crushing On A Guy
Tip #1: Think About How The Crush Started
Similar to working out the core reason as to why you’re crushing on this particular guy, you should think about how your crush started.
Consider whether you developed a crush on this person simply because they gave you some attention, for example.
This would be a typical example of the really unhealthy crush you don’t want to let consume you.
Did you begin to crush on this guy because you saw that other women liked him?
Did your crush develop because he or she is a celebrity and they just have a really good imagine consultant, stylist, or have been in some films where the character was loveable?
If so, remember they’re still a person beyond what their image conveys.
Another thing to consider is: did you start crushing on them because they were playing with your feelings and looking to “play” you?
This is more common than you think.
Often, for the sake of some perceived control and to receive attention from you themselves, they will give you lots of attention to reel you in.
Then they’ll act hot and cold to keep you hooked!
Tip #2: Be Willing to Connect With Reality
Love, desire and infatuation can lead us to do crazy things.
And being obsessed with someone we don’t truly know is one of those things.
We can get so lost in it that we lose the ability to reason, be objective and come back down to earth.
That’s ok. I mean it’s not wrong to do this, but it’s not based in reality.
Your crush is never just who you have made up that they are.
They are arguably high value (since people don’t tend to crush on people who present with primarily low value traits), but it’s not what you think it is!
Remind yourself of that.
Come back down to earth.
By the way, There Are 7 Common Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to All Men. Do You Know What They Are & How to Avoid Them Like the Plague?
(Why is this important? Because men and women perceive value very differently and you don’t want to be making mistakes that would cause quality men to dismiss, abandon or alienate you.)
Tip #3: Appreciate What They Represent
Your crush represents the idea of romantic love.
Your biology comes with the hardware needed to drive you to pair bond with someone and fall in love.
A crush is one of the ways you practise those feelings and try to bring that love into your life.
Appreciate that your genetics are working in favour of your reproductive success.
I know this de-romanticizes your feelings for your crush, but that’s precisely the point.
At the end of the day, you’re not together with your crush. They have their own life, so it’s just as well that you have the ability to simply appreciate what your crush represents.
Tip #4: Develop The Skills Of Building Emotional Attraction
Since your desire as a human is to pair bond with a high value mate, why don’t you shift your focus towards the skills of building attraction in order to connect with someone who is right for you?
When you have the skills of building emotional attraction, you’ll be more likely to snag that person of your dreams, because you are able to trigger emotional attraction on a whim!
But how do you do this?
You bring playfulness and spontaneity to the table.
One specific strategy that helps you accomplish that is using high value banter.
High value banter is a playful way of communicating that will let you trigger attraction in men.
Now, high value banter isn’t for the faint-of-heart.
It requires you to be willing to throw a spanner in the works in the name of playfulness (to build attraction and connection).
Here’s an example of a banter line:
You: “Hey, do you know what I love about you?”
Him: What?
You: “Absolutely nothing! [insert wink here].”
For more examples you can copy and paste today as well as a whole free class on banter, CLICK here.
Tip #5: Appreciate That You Have This Mechanism
Similar to appreciating what your crush represents, appreciate that you have this mechanism.
Acknowledge that it’s propelling you towards real feelings of romantic love (unless it’s a toxic type of crush. In that case you have a little more work to do to get over your crush).
But it is here to serve you, you just have to not get too carried away with it and waste your energy on the wrong person.
Tip #6: Imagine Them With Some Toxic Traits
Can you imagine your crush being a wife beater?
Can you imagine them gaslighting you, blaming you for things that aren’t your fault, or criticizing you?
We’re not trying to fake your path to getting over a crush, here. Of course, your crush could be a genuinely good person.
What we’re trying to do is help you see that no matter how much he makes you swoon, things are different when you get close to someone.
There’s always something unexpected about them. Like perhaps the fact that they like to pick their nose and eat it, for example (lol).
So this is a way of reminding you of that reality.
I don’t want you to just assume they’re toxic, of course. Not at all.
But remember that what you see of them from your current perspective is not what you’ll see if you ever were to end up in a relationship with them!
Tip #7: Know That This Is Temporary and You’re Not Alone
Lots of people everywhere are dealing with crushes right now. Some of them are struggling like you.
It’s normal, and you’re not alone.
However, it’s ok to admit that having this crush is becoming a burden on your shoulders, and you need to talk to someone about it.
Talking about your unrequited feelings with someone can help you process them and move on from them.
It’s cathartic.
So perhaps find a friend or mentor who has the emotional resources to hear you out and give you space to process and grieve.
And…remember, this is temporary!
By its very definition, a crush is temporary!
You will move on to a new you. Someone who can emotionally connect with someone who loves you back just as much as you love them.
Tip #8: Just Because You Can’t Have Them…Doesn’t Make Them Valuable
Your crush may be unattainable. But that doesn’t make them valuable.
Know this, remember this, process this!
Lots of famous or desirable people are desirable on the surface, but have serious issues within themselves.
Lots of famous and desirable people truly are awesome and high value too of course. I don’t want to detract from the real value that those people have.
But don’t let yourself get addicted to the idea of them simply because you can’t have them.
(There’s lots of things we can’t have in this world that aren’t actually that great!)
By the way, would you like to discover one specific emotional trigger within every masculine man on earth that inspires him to want to emotionally commit to you?
Tip #9: Stop Following Them On Social Media Platforms
Social media can become an addiction to begin with, because it triggers the brain’s reward system to release dopamine, the “feel-good” chemical.
So don’t add insult to injury by obsessively stalking/following them on social media.
Here’s why:
Because not only does it deepen your obsession over them and keep you in that obsessive loop, it can start to make you post for them on your own accounts.
As you yearn for them more, your posts reflect that obsession even more, and it may start to make you look less and less sane.
This may not apply if your crush is a celebrity you don’t even know, but if your crush is someone you already know, it definitely does apply.
You don’t want to run your social media accounts around them, and you don’t want to stalk their accounts either.
So stop following them. Give your mind and soul a break from that fake world of social media.
What you’re digesting is what they want you to see.
Meanwhile, they’re sitting on the toilet crapping each day just like any other human.
Plus, maybe they’re not as happy, successful and good looking as they want to make you believe.
Tip #10: Look Them Squarely In The Eyes And Engage With Them As A Real Human
You can lessen your romantic feelings for your crush by forcing yourself to engage with them like you would anyone else.
Look into their eyes and see them as human.
This may sound like a strange step but it’s important moving forward, because when we have a crush on someone, we can get overwhelmed with nerves around them.
So I want you to force yourself to look them in the eyes and engage with them as a fellow human.
That’s what they are, after all. Right?
I know you think he’s Mr. Perfect, but that’s all in your head.
Tip #11: Accept the Grieving Process
Even though they’re just a crush, and even though it’s just infatuation that passes, you should grieve your fantasy.
Accept that it’s just an idealisation of who the person is by grieving the loss of this fantasy image.
Although fantasies aren’t real, we get attached to them, so give it all the respect it needs by grieving what it never was.
A fantasy can become so real that it’s hard to let go.
But it’s ok to let go. It’s ok to surrender to the grieving process.
What If You Still Have Hope That You Can End Up Together?
There may be that pressing question in the back of your mind…what if there’s a chance we could be together?
Though crushes are often seen as unrequited love, there’s a tiny percentage of crushes that do end in a real relationship.
I don’t want to dismiss that possibility entirely.
I mean, apparently Katie Holmes crushed on Tom Cruise for a long time before they ended up together (and produced a child through that marriage).
I know that that particular marriage was relatively short-lived and they went their separate ways. But their relationship produced a beautiful, healthy daughter.
So Katie Holmes’s crush served a purpose.
If you truly believe you’re meant to be with someone and know in your gut that you’re meant to be with them (or can somehow attract them into your life), I don’t want to take that possibility away from you.
I also don’t want to discount the possibility that there are unknown, unproven forces possibly at work with your crush.
There are lots of things that science cannot explain yet.
So if you believe you can end up together with your crush and it’s not just some fantasy world you’re living in, you can pursue that….at your own cost.
Just be careful. Try to stay grounded in reality.
Because there’s nothing worse than looking back at your actions in the future and regretting how you spent your time.
Frequently Asked Questions
How Long Do Crushes Last?
Crushes last on average of a few weeks to a few months, according to psychologists.
Are Crushes Healthy?
They can be healthy, and they can be toxic.
A crush is healthy when you’re practicing the emotions and actions of falling in love.
They can also be healthy when no one is filling that empty space in your life.
As long as you’re not being manipulated into crushing on someone.
And as long as you’re not having a crush on them due to reenacting childhood traumas or looking for a replacement parent.
How Do You Get Over A Crush When You’re In A Relationship?
Refocus your energy towards the one you’re committed to.
Crush on them again.
You’re with them for a reason, right?
Did you ever fall in love with your boyfriend or husband?
If so, then focus on those traits, because those traits will be in their soul, still.
This is kid of a way to appreciate what you have more and to develop feelings for your man again.
It’s a conscious effort to be loyal and to build on the attraction you have towards your lover by appreciating and focusing on what is so high value about them.
If you never fell in love with or felt attracted to your committed partner, then maybe you got into the wrong relationship for the wrong reasons?
Only you can truly know the answer to that.
How Do You Know If Your Crush Likes You?
Look for the signs he likes you. Such as:
His eyes following you everywhere and always looking at you
- Wanting to look after you
- Texting you a lot
- Liking your posts on social media a lot (and quickly)
- Being motivated to help you and make your life easier
- Wanting to make you laugh
- Taking an interest in things you’re interested in
DON’T Go Looking For A New Crush
I thought I’d include this one last piece of advice:
Sometimes it helps to focus on honing your relationship skills than it does to go looking for a new crush.
Why?
Because although having a crush can be healthy, it’s not as productive and effective as actually having the skills of building connection and attraction with a man.
When you have the skills, you’ll be closer to living our your dream of pair bonding with a wonderful man.
Here’s a couple of article that will help you do this:
Conclusion
As a living, breathing human, you are wired to pair bond with a high quality, desirable mate.
Contrary to modern values and progressive views, your body is made to reproduce, whether you’re a man or a woman, a unicorn or a fish.
Because of this, you will see some beautiful human beings out there and want to be with them.
You will fantasize about them, fantasize about them fantasizing about you, and you’ll want them with every cell in your body.
Occasionally, you see one particular human whom you believe is special, and you will focus your attention on them.
You’ll focus on trying to ‘get’ them or get them to like you.
This is normal, but the best way to do your crush justice as well as get over it, is to appreciate the mechanism of crushing on someone within you.
It’s here to serve you and your crush is just some other person. If they weren’t alive, you’d crush on someone else.
I hope you found my tips helpful. Ultimately it is up to you to do the work of getting over a crush.
No one can do the work for you, they can only point you in the direction and support you emotionally.
I wish you all the best and please refer back to this article again anytime you wish for emotional support!
Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with her work through the social media links below.
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