As someone who used to care too much about all people and all things, I can attest to the fact that it’s really hard to stop caring when it’s in your nature to care.
It took me more than a decade of rough lessons, learning, thinking and finally, acknowledging brutal truths before I finally figured out how to stop caring too much.
And I really mean actually stop caring. I don’t mean just acting too cool for the people you care about, or trying hard to detach, or just blocking everything out.
It is true that it is so, so hard to stop caring. Especially as a sensitive, relationship-oriented person who forms attachments very easily.
But you may also be relieved to learn that once you learn how to stop caring the authentic way, it then ironically becomes much harder to ever care again – about the wrong guys, the wrong people and the wrong things.
And that’s a good place to be. Empowering, actually. Because it’s more calibrated to reality.
Also because you’re not a not-for-profit organization.
You are not a volunteer counsellor. Nor were you born to be everyone’s charity.
And you are not anybody’s mom either. (Except when you are.)
You are also not that desperate that you have to attach to everyone.
Why Do I Care So Much?
It depends on where your care is coming from.
When it comes to dating guys or even friendships, often we care too much not out of the goodness of our heart, but because we want something out of it.
We want something from that person, and so we form an attachment to the idea of what they can give us. And yes, we may also form an attachment to them as a person.
There are also scenarios in which we genuinely care and want to see someone else happy.
Maybe we can see a perspective that they cannot see and we want them to see it as well.
There are selfless and selfish reasons as to why you care so much.
Usually if you’re honest with yourself, you can figure out whether you’re being selfless or selfish pretty quickly.
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(…Even if no man has ever given you any love and all you’ve encountered so far are pen pals, ghosts, booty calls, and incredible duds!)
(My man David runs this free class and I highly recommend you listen to it.)
Why Is It A Bad Thing To Care Too Much?
Because you have limited time on this earth, and because most people will never care about you.
If you want to be in unbalanced relationships where you’re way more attached and way more invested than the other person, then be my guest.
But if you only want to care about the right people (the ones who also care about you), then you need to have the capacity to be selective with your care.
You don’t want to stop caring too much when it comes to people you trust and value.
But you want to be able to stop caring about people who:
- Don’t care about themselves
- Don’t care about you
- Don’t form attachments
- Are insensitive
- Are exceedingly selfish; or
- People who secretly envy you
But let’s get really clear on what it means to care too much though, because it’s very important to differentiate between caring too much and caring the right amount.
What Does It Mean To Care Too Much?
Let’s begin with the simple explanation for caring too much.
Caring excessively basically means the amount of emotional energy you spend on someone is not reciprocated by them.
Caring too much occurs in different contexts though, so it could mean a few different things, depending on who you are. In general, it means you:
- Really want the best for someone else and you really want to help them see that there is better for them (when they don’t care about themselves)
- You really want something from someone else (love, attention, reciprocal attachment) but you sense they’re not giving it, so you try to get them to attach to you too by “putting more work” into them
- You over-invest in the wrong people
- You attach far too easily (here are 6 reasons why you get attached so easily & how to stop)
- You haven’t broken attachments you formed to the wrong people years ago
- You have excess emotional, financial or psychological resources and are eager to share them with someone
- You are unattuned or in denial about who they really are and what they really value
As you can see, there’s a variety of different things it could mean when it comes to excessive caring.
In this article, I want to offer you advice for different situations and contexts, including:
- How to stop caring too much about a guy
- Caring too much about everyone and everything in general
- I’ll also cover how to stop caring about what others think
- And I’ll answer some frequently asked questions
Would you like to learn exactly how committed he is to you? You can find out for yourself with our quick and free quiz:
How To Stop Caring About A Guy
Just because you love someone, doesn’t mean they love you.
I mean this seems obvious, but we humans aren’t always willing to accept this harsh truth. Because it can be hard on our self esteem and our ego.
But in terms of how to stop caring about a guy, it is easy when you stop resisting the obvious truth.
So right now, relax your body, relax your defences and acknowledge the following two important truths:
- He’s not as attached to you as you are to him.
I’m not talking about how much he wants sex from you, I’m not talking about how much he tries to get your attention. I’m talking about genuine emotional attachment from a guy.
- He can’t offer you the same amount of care that you offer him.
He just can’t. He’s not there. He’s not in that place. He doesn’t feel it. Or perhaps he’s just not that into you.
If he did, you might not be here reading this. And these are the two crucial elements of any successful long term relationship with a guy.
A lot of your suffering from attachment to the wrong guy comes from resisting the pain of the truth.
But if you see his behavior for what it is, and if you feel the effects of his behaviour (on you) deep down in your heart and in your feminine soul, you’ll feel your overall direction begin to shift.
Because you begin to orient yourself towards reality, not to fantasy.
The reality is, if a guy is in love with you, he’ll show up for you, because you become a part of him.
If a guy is just using you, or feels lukewarm towards you, his actions won’t come from a desire to bond with you, protect you and cherish your unique soul.
They’ll come from getting something of value out of you (that you’re still willing to give.)
Why Do Guys Start Caring When You Stop?
Did he really start caring when you stopped? Or did he just start chasing you when you stopped chasing him?
Because chasing you is not caring about you.
It’s just wanting to keep you around. It’s also just fear of losing you – and what you gave him.
A guy who really cares would’ve cared all along.
How To Stop Caring So Much About Everyone
Now if you’re one of those people who can’t seem to stop caring so much about everyone, know that there are things you can do to get yourself back – and quickly!
Let’s get into what you can do right now.
#1: Know That Most People Don’t Want To Be A Part Of YOU
What on earth does this mean?
Well it’s pretty simple really.
A lot of the times, we care because we have a desire or an attachment that we want another person to be a part of.
Either you’re attached to them for whatever reason, or you have an idea or a resource you want them to buy into.
Sometimes you may just want to control the other person.
Other times, you want to influence them and bring them into your world, so that you have more.
More connection, more abundance, more love, and more friendship.
Basically, you’re a feminine soul who is always seeking to fill up on:
- Maybe intimacy (unless you’re an emotionally unavailable woman)
- And maybe more success in some form, too
But it will surprise you if you consider how few people ever want to truly be a part of you and a part of what you believe or want in life.
We are all separate organisms.
People have their own ideas, their own agendas, and mostly they think they know what they want and need in life.
Sure, sometimes they’re wrong, and it’s great that you care so much that you want them to buy into a (hopefully better) reality.
But look: they prefer their way. They prefer their own feelings and ideas; it’s more familiar to them.
We all want to make the people around us more like us. That’s normal.
It’s also normal as a woman to want to make more people more attached to us.
But especially in this day and age, there are less and less people who value that.
When it comes to men, however, if you want them to become more attached to you and commit to you, I recommend you study this one specific emotional trigger in every man that inspires him to WANT to take care of you for life.
#2: Don’t Avoid Your Feelings
Your feelings are usually telling you what’s actually going on. They may just start out really quiet…
Quiet enough that it’s easy to ignore them.
But imagine what it will be like when this other person (who doesn’t care about you so much) does something so horrific to you that you can no longer ignore reality?
(Because they will end up trying to push you away or sabotage the relationship).
Then you’ll have to deal with not only your own hurt and disapppointment over them not caring about you.
You’ll also have to deal with the reality that you ignored all the little signs along the way that they didn’t care enough.
Some part of you will want to put all the blame on the person who cared less about you all along.
But of course, it’s really not all their fault. Even if it mostly is their fault!
Their actions – and your own feelings – were telling you the truth all along.
They may have been subtle, they may have only been small things – but it was all there.
Your feelings were asking you to listen.
But you didn’t.
This adds another layer to the problem, and do you really want to have to shoulder the heavy burden of multiple different emotions like that?
You’ll have to bear the weight of hurt, but also the guilt and regret over not being able to stomach the truth all along.
That’s not a place you want to be, if you can avoid it.
So if you can, try not to ignore all your feelings today. You will thank yourself tomorrow.
For example, when someone, perhaps your “friend”, gives you a look or does something subtle that in your gut feels like something is not right, but you ignore it because you love and care about them, that’s on you.
If you “care” so much that you don’t want to think badly of them (when you should), you will pay the price later.
#3: Grow Older And Wiser
You can’t beat authentic life experience and ageing when it comes to how to stop caring so much.
Sometimes you just have to sink into the natural timeline of things and let earned wisdom help you adjust your choices.
Now, you can’t control this step so much – other than choosing to be someone who isn’t resistant to learning.
It’s something that can come with time, experience and ageing, if you’re willing to become wiser.
But you can trust that in time, the lessons will come.
The only catch is that you have to be one of those people who is willing to learn.
Many people aren’t, you see.
Many people continue to think the way they thought decades ago. They don’t learn lessons.
For someone who is not open minded, their thought processes will likely never change.
This is why you see some really petty and closed minded old people out there. People who seem like a child stuck in an elderly person’s body.
But you don’t have to be like that.
You may have cared a lot as a young person, a teenager or even a young adult.
But back then you were likely in school or college and you needed to keep some allies around you. You wanted to be liked.
So maybe you compromised your truth for some safety.
But you’re an adult now.
Now it’s your responsibility to ensure you don’t waste energy on the wrong people.
Try to take that seriously.
#4: Know That Most People Will Only Care About What They Can Get…From YOU
I am not referring to people who do care, like your spouse or your mother (if you have a good mother).
I’m referring to most work mates or acquaintances – even some friends.
They don’t truly care about you.
They care about what you can offer them.
And that’s how it’s supposed to be.
You’re not supposed to form attachments with many people, and they’re not meant to form attachments with you.
Because our time and energy is limited.
I truly believe our energy is meant to be reserved only for the tiny number of carefully screened and qualified people in your life.
Additionally, I’m not sure the universe ever wanted you to waste your care on people other than your treasured blood relatives and the few friends who truly care about you.
This doesn’t mean you can’t have many acquaintances or people you have fun with.
Just know that if you suddenly become unable to offer them the experience you once did, most of them will leave.
Because they never cared about you. They cared about what they could get from you.
#5: Choose How much to Emotionally Invest Depending On The Person
This is for those of you who may have an unconscious rule in the back of your mind that says “I gotta care about everyone”.
Whether it’s everyone’s well being or mental health, it doesn’t matter – you just think that you should be that health advisor or therapist for everyone.
Or maybe you just like to be admired for your knowledge or your caring nature.
Well, you don’t need to do any of that.
Instead, it’s better to treat every single person you come across as an individual, and adjust your level of care to who they are.
Some people are psychopaths.
These people may not even be, well, people. They may just be actors – people who are just a shell of what normal humans are.
These people absolutely do not have empathy, care or emotions.
So how would they care about you and why would they care about you?
Remember that not everyone is like you. Not everyone can fathom what it feels like to care or to emotionally attach to someone.
It’s best to admit that to yourself and keep your distance. Don’t offer them too much value just because you have value to give.
Save that value for the people who matter.
#6: Stop Being A Replacement Parent For Others
…Unless you know they can do the same for you.
I know you are sensitive and you like to take care of people.
But sometimes it’s best to leave other people to learn and grow without our hand-holding.
Sure, you want to ease them of their suffering. Sure, you feel for them for what they had to go through.
And do feel for them. But you don’t need to feel responsible for them as a person or their problems.
Could your valuable emotional energy go towards parenting or nurturing someone else who is closer emotionally and genetically?
Like your child? Or your sister? Your nephew? Or your boyfriend?
I mean, are you even getting compensation for being a replacement parent for someone else?
This person may not have the wherewithal to be there for you in this way if you really needed it.
If they do, then sure, offer them what they need, as you know that they can return the same and might care just as much.
But if they can’t, then the question is: what are you doing it for?
Are you doing it to practise your ability to nurture another human being?
That’s not a bad reason, but just don’t get attached to them in the same way a parent would.
Because you may end up the sucker who is picking up the pieces for their own parents who didn’t do their job properly.
#7: Stop Needing Value From Others
Instead, become more emotionally resourceful yourself.
Like all of us, you would have your own fantasies and desires in romance and in friendship.
But realize that this is your agenda, not theirs.
It’s not really adding value to someone if you are always going to them to take value.
If instead of trying to take from someone else (approval, love, a relationship or attention), perhaps you could simply find the resources within yourself to hear them out. See their perspective.
Be with them and be with what they feel.
You’ll find out much faster if they can return the same sensitivity and generosity to you.
You never know, you may just find that being a value adder instead of a value taker makes them care about you a lot more.
Remember also, that if your whole mantra is to take whatever you can get while you can (from whomever you can), it’s going to look low value.
And it will repel the high value men and people in your life.
There Are 7 Common Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to All Men. Do You Know What They Are & How to Avoid Them Like the Plague?
(Why is this important? Because men and women perceive value very differently and you don’t want to be making mistakes that would cause quality men to dismiss, abandon or alienate you.)
#8: Realize It’s Actually A Privilege To Care
A privilege that (most) other people cannot match and do not share.
This method for how to stop caring so much is for those of you who genuinely care too much about the wellbeing of others.
It’s for you if you really have the available resources to care deeply about others.
Maybe you have the emotional and mental energy to offer your care, but that truly is a privilege.
A lot of the people you meet will be far too bogged down by responsibilities, by their own problems and by their own stress to offer you the same care in return.
Maybe one day they can care more – just don’t count on it.
Because we’re all in different financial, physical and personal situations.
Remember also that other people may not even posses half of what you have in their personal life or professional life.
Because of this disparity in resources and abundance, the amount of care you can offer them may be far more than what they can offer.
Let’s take a moment to appreciate that and respond as though we appreciate and acknowledge that.
(As well as the envy that this person may come to feel towards you, as they learn of these disparities).
#9: Learn To Say “NO”
This is the one word that will make you more high value as a woman:
Here’s a video my hubby made on it:
How to stop caring too much?
Learn and appreciate the power of the word: “no.”
Just say it, and practice saying it.
It’s a simple no and nothing else.
Because you choose you.
And because when you are able to say no, not only do you become able to enforce clear boundaries, you become a woman who respects herself.
When you respect yourself, others learn that they must respect you too.
And respect is a form of care towards yourself (that you can then extend out to others).
If you can teach them to respect you, then you’ll actually feel more abundance of care (from others) in your life.
Because as D.Shen my hubby once said, the subconscious rule always is:
“If that’s how she’s treating herself, then that’s probably how I need to treat her too.”
#10: Remind Yourself About The Advantages of Not Caring Too Much
Lastly, remind yourself of the advantages of not caring too much.
In fact, let’s write down these advantages right now.
Get a piece of paper and a pen, and write down at least 5 advantages of not caring excessively. I’ll start:
- You get more of yourself back (you stop losing yourself)
- You get more of your life and your time back
- You become more loyal to the people who truly care about you
- You can see people for who they really are, not what you wish they would be
- You reduce the amount of stress and constant worry in your life (and this improves your physical and mental health)
See? Easy peasy! There are plenty of positive aspects to not caring so much.
Go ahead and write down some more advantages. Come up with some by yourself – for yourself.
How to Stop Caring About What Others Think?
Some people have this magical ability to disregard other people’s opinions.
But how do you become more like them? How do you adopt their thought process?
Well, you realize that people don’t care about what you do for your sake. They care about what you do for their sake.
They want to know what you’re doing so they can compare themselves to you, they want to judge you for their ego or to escape the boredom of their own lives.
So, let them!
If it wasn’t you they judge, it would be someone else. It’s not about you!
One of my favourite “famous people”, Kate Moss, once said:
“Don’t complain, never explain.”
This is her mantra for dealing with all the false information published about her and the opinions of others throughout the last four decades.
Love her or hate her, I do love this mantra.
Simply move forward with your life, get on with it, and don’t explain yourself. Because nobody cares anyway.
CLICK HERE to discover the ONE PHRASE you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say! (Works like magic in a high vale non-needy way!)
Can I still Be Friends With Someone Who Doesn’t Care About Me?
You can be a friend to them, but chances are low that they’ll be a friend to you.
Unless you can add value to that friend and see if they reciprocate. But the catch is that you have to add the value that they actually perceive value in.
Only then can you see if they care enough to give back to you.
Most of the time, you can’t “be friends” with someone who doesn’t care about you, because they’re not going to reciprocate the care.
You’re just being a charity in that case.
Cue these related articles:
How Do You Stop Thinking About Someone Who Doesn’t Care About You?
You separate the idea in your head of who they are with the reality of who they are.
If you’re thinking about them but they don’t think about you or care about you, that means one of two things:
- Their needs are met elsewhere (heartbreaking, but true)
- Or they’re not who you assumed they were
I hope you got some useful answers to how to stop caring too much.
New information rarely register deeply within us the first time we read it. So whenever you feel like you’re caring too much and it’s affecting your own well being, come back and read the steps in this article.
In fact, you can bookmark it or add it to your favourites so you can return to it later.
I find that coming back to content I enjoyed the first time around helps to reinforce the important points and make this information a part of you as a person.
Take good care of yourself, and remember that your time and energy is limited.
Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with her work through the social media links below.